Everybody loves Mondays!

Everybody loves Mondays!
Posted by: breeves.

Sorry, K, but I just had to. I was browsing through my phone, cleaning out some old pictures, and for the first time today I really had something to laugh about.

Monday's almost always suck, and today was no exception. I woke up today with a serious "Case of the Monday's". I did not want to go to work, I did not want to be at work, I did not want to stay at work, Sam I Am.

Although this was a reasonably mild Monday, I just didn't have it in my heart to do anything. I have had a heavy heart and mind as of late, more than I really want to discuss here at this time. Some of it, though, has to be homesickness.

I have not been back home to see my brothers, friends, or any of my family (Except for my parents) since Christmas 2003. Work just would not permit it. In the 11 years since I moved to Iowa from SE Texas, I have never gone more than a year without being home. Between November 2001 and January 2004, I was home many times, especially after my aunt died just before new years day, 2002. That was a rough eriod, for our entire family, because it was not expected and completely sudden. She was only 11 years older than me, and more like a big sister than an aunt. I have lost friends and family members before, but nothing hit me as hard as her death did. Worst part about it, is that I did not really express how hard it hit me until now.

I am usually a very well kept person when it comes to emotions, and I still am to a point. There are just some things better aired out in a private place, where nobody can hear you yelling. I don't believe in keeping things bottled up inside, because they will end up eating away at you. But there are just some things that I just don't feel comfortable talking about to even my closest friends, because I am afraid of how they will look at me.

I am used to being the one who is always there for others, listening to other people's problems and helping them cope with issues and make their own decisions. However, I suck when it comes to my own problems and issues, and just can't deal with needing someone to lean on. Crazy, huh?

When I was setting up my buzznet.com account, it gave me a chance to go through some old photos that I had stored on a backup disk, and it was an emotional rollercoaster. There were some good memories that made me laugh, there were some pictures that made me feel old, and there were those of my aunt and some of me and my friends that brought tears to my eyes and made me long for home even more.

I moved up here in 1994 with one purpose, to be with the woman that I loved and a child that was brought into this world. I left my friends and family behind, put my dreams on hold, and sold my prize possession (1969 firebird convertible) just to accomplish that. It was not an easy choice by any means, and it definitely was not a easy road to follow. We had some really hard times, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to put food on the table and barely even able to pay bills. It got even harder when I decided that I needed to go back to school to get my AAS in Electronics, just so I coud get a better job and at least have something to backup my technological expertise. Without that paper, nobody would have ever given me a second look (Thank you, Cliff Salmons). I was right, and moved up and now I manage a network for a growing manufacturing company. Of course, the more I climb the rank, the more responsibility that I get and the more people take advantage of my diligence and generosity. That, in turn, put a strain on my health and my marriage, both of which may never fully recover.

I am so burned out anymore that I don't even know what I want. On one hand, I can stay, and maybe things will get better but I will continue to go through these phases of homesickness and have to deal with watching my brothers experience parenthood through pictures in my e-mail.

The other choice would be to move back home, start over again with my family, working at the chemical plants and going back to school to finish my engineering degree that I started almost 14 years ago, but then I would miss seeing my close friends that I have made here in Iowa, and my wife would end up having the same homesickness that I have been experiencing for the last 11 years. Worse yet, she woud possibly even leave me because of it.

See my dilemma? No matter what I do, I cannot win.

I have this driving force deep within my gut that keeps telling me that it is time to go home, the same force that led me to cancel a skiing trip in 1992 to go on a road trip to Iowa with a friend only to meet someone that I fell in love with the first time I laid eyes on her, and ultimately married. This is also the same gut feeling that told me to turn down a very good job offer to make that move to Iowa.

There is a lot more to this gut feeling that I am just not ready to talk about yet, because I have not figured it all out yet myself. I tell you what, it is making for some extremely confusing dreams. (None of which I will go into detail about, unless I had many, many drinks in me)

Damn, I hate Monday's......Why doesn't anyone make a pill for that???